Every so often, the fact that my dad isn’t around hits me. Today it hit me deep in my heart that my daughters will never meet him.
My dad died while I was in college. He had multiple cancers thanks to his incessant smoking and never stopped drinking. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t still angry with him. We never had a close relationship, but he’s still my dad. The last time I saw him he was laying in a hospital bed. A 6 foot tall man, weighing less than a hundred pounds who couldn’t talk because his jaw was reconstructed and they removed half of his tongue. He sat there gesturing to his friends, reminiscing about their party days that never really ended. I mean, one of them even brought a flask to his hospital room. I sat there, not knowing what to do or say. The only conversation between the two of us that I recall is, don’t get any more tattoos. I dont remember any, “I’m sorry’s” or “I love you’s”. I don’t know if he thought he’d be around longer or if he just didn’t know what to say. All I know is that I’m still angry.
My daughters will never meet you. You won’t be at my wedding. You continued to destroy yourself and made a hole in my heart. I don’t know when I can forgive you. Only time will tell.